Sunday, May 9, 2010

mother's day....

I never really liked to talk about my parents especially not my mother because how I came to existence to this earth and how I grew up was not a happy childhood.

My parents got married out of convenience and opportunity, not by true love. Their marriage was doomed from the beginning as he was a physically and emotionally abusive man towards my mom, and they divorced soon after my sister of 3 & 1/2 years younger than me was born. My birth father never wanted either one of us. There was only a handful of times that he appeared the last time being when I was 14 years old. Seeing that I was working at the time, he boldly asked me for money which I was stunned and then told to essentially go to hell. Never saw him again after that.

My relationship with my mother was always testy as far as I could remember. She was a patient woman, but being an immigrant in a country she did not know, where she barely spoke the language, and struggling to make ends meet, and worrying about us growing up in a really bad neighborhood, she did the best she with the little resources she had.

My mother never got over the emotional damage her marriage to my father did and the divorce that followed after. She was very bitter and took it out on us as kids, mainly me because I physically looked like him. There was only a handful of times I can remember where she was a loving woman towards me and my sister. But she did hold anger against us, and many times she made it clear to both of us that she didn't want us.

Finding out I'm gay made life at home unbearable. When I moved out at 17 years old, my mother made it very clear I was on my own and I'd never be allowed to come home ever again. It didn't really bother me that she was this way until I got to see how so many other people I knew had parents that loved their children and wanted to be there for them. One thanksgiving my mother was having at her house and I asked her if she could come and give me a ride over as I didn't have a vehicle at the time and had no way of coming over. She refused to come get me. When I came back from living in Chicago and was looking for a place to live, I asked her to allow to stay with her temporarily just until I got back on my feet, she turned me away.

Last time I saw mother in person or made any contact with her was in 1996, the last time I asked her to help me when I had nowhere to go. After that, I pretty much went silent. And here my sister and I had parents that didn't want either one of us. I didn't and still don't understand why. How could a parent turn their back on their children?

During all this time, my mother tells the family that she has no idea what she did to her children especially me, that has made me completely shut her out. In response to my family I did 2 things: I outed myself, which divided my family, and then wrote her a nice long letter telling her word for word why.

So my mother takes ill with breast cancer. She has the lump removed and receives treatment. A year later, the cancer spreads and she ends up having surgery to remove her pancreas. Diabetes and taking about 15cc's of insulin a day which she has side effects and allergic reactions.

Her health is in decline. I made one attempt along with my sister to see her and unfortunately as always, it ends up badly. She's not taking care of her health and showing defiance towards us for scolding her in eating foods that would kill a person that is a diabetic. I walk, out my sister Alma following right behind me.

I busted my ass going to college twice and then cemented my relationship with Vic by us moving in together. My man has seen first hand how my family has treated me, and he's also met my sister. Alma told me how lucky I am to be with somebody. I told her she would have had the same thing if she made the right choices. My sister and I never had a good relationship as kids. It's funny that now I don't know who she is.

My birth father passed away in early 2007 at 68 years old and he left no will. I always thought the man really believed he was going to die much older and take his estate with him. I was contacted by relatives about his passing but I relinquished my claim and turned everything over to my sister. The reason being is that if anyone rightfully deserved any monetary claim to our father's estate it would be her. I went to college and invested in myself. I did what I needed to do for me and have no regrets. Alma is a single unwed mother that dropped out of high school. She is someone that deserves to have a better life and this was her opportunity for that.

Upon moving out here to the bay area in April 2008 with Vic, it sent a strong message back to my family I'm alright and doing ok. I have no regrets about my decision. Vic is doing well, I'm still pounding the pavement trying to find a permanent position in I.T. and no matter I'm gonna persevere. I always have.

On August 8th, 2008, my mother passed away of complications from diabetes. I still to this day wonder what is it really like to have and know that you have loving parents that would never turn their back on you. Vic and so many people I know came from loving good homes. I ask this question: what is it like to come from a loving home? to have parents that love and want you? to have family you know you can rely on? This is something I wonder even though I am now pushing 40 years old.

My mother had a hard life. I don't harbor hate as she did the best she could. I always loved my mom even though she was far from perfect. She tried.

She's at peace now.

No comments:

Post a Comment

comments will be reviewed