Friday, December 9, 2011

The Elements (As seen by a Pagan/Wiccan)

Earth signifies strength and stubbornness.
Air signifies intelligence and creativity.
Water signifies nurturing and imaginative.
Fire signifies ambition and passion



Sunday, November 13, 2011

DO NOT BUY ANY NETGEAR PRODUCT



I DO NOT recommend buying this or ANY Netgear product. The reason being is that this unit and two other netgear modems/router units I previously purchased before this last one have had issues with wireless networking, inconsistent speeds, sometimes the unit itself would drop speeds even when the connection had no problems. The media server is itself problematic where trying to play video files, it would skip over sometimes without warning while playing.
I've contacted Netgear REPEATEDLY trying to get them to at least acknowledge that the firmware for this unit is buggy and still to this day they have not been able or unwilling to release a stable firmware for this or the other 2 units I owned before this one.
Until then, I'm letting the word out there to everyone NOT to purchase anything from Netgear until they start addressing the buggy software plaguing all of their products.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

BULK THE SERIES

This is a web-based series created by a brilliant pioneer, playwright, screenwriter and leading-actor bud I've spoken to so many times but have yet to meet in person named J. Julian Christopher. Along with supporting cast member Robert Valin, this series I consider truly the first to explore the "bear" community. These guys are brave to do this and I'm behind them 100%. Check out the series on Vimeo.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

HERO vs. SCUMBAG

Take a minute and think about WHO is actually doing the praising AND smearing of these men and why.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Imagine waking up to a view like this.....


if I woke up to  a view like this, fuck the city I wouldn’t leave the house LOL.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

FUCK YOU HATERS





FUCK YOU to the haters. You don’t feed me, fuck me, nor pay my bills so your opinion of me (and let me remind you, it is just an opinion) does NOT matter.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Release Me "Wilson Phillips" 1990 - Video



I'm not sure if this song truly "fits" the relationship I tried to give my father at one time, but it's hard to listen to without raw emotion boiling to the surface that I obviously still harbor.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

reflecting on my father...















I invited my sister to come over as I haven't seen her in nearly 5+ years. We never got along when we were younger. In 20 years I'm just starting to get to know her and her son, my nephew. The reason she came over was because of still pending legal issues surrounding my birth father's estate. She recently flew down to Santo Domingo to see family and deal with the ever legal bullshit of that backward country and his holdings. She brought over some documents and information I needed to see but the biggest surprise was the fact that apparently our father had the family photo album in mint condition mostly of me as a baby with some of my sister.
For 39 years (as of the time of this writing) I've wondered what I looked like as a baby and toddler. Those were missing images of my childhood that I never knew. I also wondered why on earth this man that never gave, never wanted us, was never there in both my sister & I's youth, why on earth did he keep this photo album of us?
I wasn't angry at my sis. Not at all. She's a good person, an awesome mom to her son and trying her best to steer him in the right direction. But I am angry at looking at this photo album and seeing how this part of my life was missing for close to 40 years. This man that helped bring us to this earth why did he keep this? Was it all about wanting to hurt our mother after she divorced him?

My sis showed me his death certificate. She told me our father was very ill and has been for years. When she saw him alive for the last time a few years ago, he looked horrible. She told me I would've never recognized him. In the last years of his life he knew his health was failing. He could hardly walk due to bad circulation in his legs. He was in constant pain all the time. He lived like a hermit. The last time I saw him was when I was 14 years old. The affection that is shown in the family photographs is an illusion. There was no love.

Because I remembered the years of abuse, he knew he had no hope of ever reaching me. In fact all my family realized I had a sworn hatred of him and I would not budge a finger for him. My sister told me he sent word back through relatives begging to see her, and when she finally pulled resources to come he passed away. He was found dead by one of my uncles. He died of a heart attack and internal bleeding.

Looking through this 40-year old photo album I realize this is all I have from him.

This morning before going into my first class, I texted my sister. I asked her one simple question :

"Did you love dad?"

I actually couldn't believe I even referring to this man as "dad" as he was none of those things to me. It took her a while to respond back, but when she finally did, she said :

"I felt sorry for him." And I asked her again : "But did you ever love him?"

And her response was yes.































May you finally R.I.P. father. I hold no anger towards you anymore.