Friday, August 31, 2012

Dear Red States.....

This guy makes some interesting points...

-----

"Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving. "Legitimate rape." Sheesh!

We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that the E.S.A. will be pro choice and anti war and we're going to want all our citizens back from Afghanistan at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We wish you success in Afghanistan, and possibly Iran as well, but we're not willing to spend our resources in these sorts of pursuits.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,
Stan Singer
Citizen of the Enlightened States of America" -quote

4 comments:

  1. Very funny! And true!
    Interestingly, this just appeared in The Olympian (Olympia, WA) on November 6, 2012.

    "Oregon" as state of origin had been substituted for "New York". ;D

    ReplyDelete
  2. Stan: I think this is funny, even though I would not consider myself a Liberal (nor a Conservative). I am one of the Independents who actually control the country, if you are to believe the news media.

    I AM suspect of some of your facts, however, since certainly everyone should know that Harvard and Yale ARE Ivy League institutions (Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, Harvard, U. Penn, Princeton and Yale). And you picked a poor southern school in denegrating UGA, which is a very high quality institution: not just football.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AMENDMENT 1- SEPARATION: On the day of separation 100% of the 46% of the Unenlightened States of America who, by accident of birth, job, family or other unavoidable vagary of life have been forced to live under the oppressive brutality of the Red States far too long, will be welcomed as new citizens of the E.S.A. All will have decent, non-toxic, socially useful jobs that pay a living wage and needn't worry about healthcare because that will be universal and free to all, as will education, energy, shelter for the homeless, food for the hungry and other necessities of life. The right to assemble in any park, at any hour, for as long as it takes to redress grievances against the government will be guaranteed. These provisions will be quite realistic since the E.S.A. will no longer permit the obscenely wealthy 1% to continue to amass even greater amounts of obscene wealth and the entire 1% and their corporations will be taxed proportionally to their ability to pay without suffering any serious deprivation. They will, however, have to give up the ambition and wealth that permits them to buy the government and about 2/3 of the other nations in the world. If that's your desire, you are advised to go to the nearest Red state and check in.

    AMENDMENT 2 - CALIFORNIA: California will be split in two -- Red to the south (of Monterey or thereabouts) Blue to the north. About 2/3 of Sacramento (birth-station of Rush Limbaugh) along with 98% of the State Legislature will be encouraged to relocate to Orange County and other Sou' Cal enclaves willing to take them. N. Cal will gladly accept all L.A actors, writers. artists, filmmakers, poets, musicians and other citizens who have been muzzled by the Hollowwood-Industrial complex and its mogul mafia. We will have enlightened work for all of them to do in providing the E.S.A. with the intelligent cultural and arts offerings a progressive, enlightened society requires and deserves. North coast weed industries will be required to sell their products at reasonable prices that provide a modestly generous profit without gouging their customers. Cost of living adjustments will be provided. According to latest FDA and Agriculture Dept. figures, that means a kilo of killer weed will average about $8.25 at the bong. No one in the E.S.A will be so poor they cannot afford some occasional recreation.

    Red Slider, P.O.E.E. &
    Keeper of the Sacred Chao
    after-dinner-mint circle,
    Joshua Norton Cabal
    Discordian Society

    ALL HAIL ERIS!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I wish I knew and could find the original author of this great post. This guy is amazing.

    ReplyDelete

comments will be reviewed